Boy, do I have a lot on my mind. I’m not even sure where to begin or what if any of this is “blog worthy”, but as I use this blog as a sort of release, I’m going to write anyway. So let’s start with our upcoming big trip. Next Friday, a week from today, I’m flying with my mom and the three kids to Minneapolis, MN for a wedding (and as for my disclosing to the world when we’ll be away, my hubs isn’t coming and our big mean dog ;) will be home guarding our house, so I’m not worried). Anyway, so we’re having a family wedding next weekend and a good ol’ family gathering so OF COURSE I’m taking the kids, but then it dawned on me. . . WHAT WAS I THINKING??? I’m TERRIFIED. I mean, let’s not even get into the whole anxiety of flying (I just thought of THAT part of the trip – YIKES), but I’m thinking more of traveling with my wonderfully exuberant little two-year-old! Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE her to death! She brings a joy I hadn’t even known existed. But I’m completely stressed about traveling with her. I picture her screaming in her car seat – no, not crying, but literally SCREAMING on the plane. And climbing the walls of the hotel. Shrieking during the ceremony because I won’t let her charge the alter. . . pulling plates off the table at the reception. . . destroying my aunt’s house. . . running every minute of every day that we’re down there. That’s what I picture. And I have to admit the worst part of all this is ME!!! I’m the one who doesn’t do well with change. I like my routine. I like to know she will have a place to play while I take a few minutes and (breath) check things on my computer or that she’ll take a nap in her crib while I (breath) shower and clean up. AACK. I don’t want to sound complainy at all or like I take my dear sweet Ms. Chloe for granted. I appreciate that there are those who have lost their precious little ones and would sacrifice anything to have MY problems. But nonetheless, I still feel the stress (along with the guilt) of traveling with my very “special” little girl.*
*Before I go on, it’s important for any family members who might be reading this to know that I am SOOOO EXCITED for the wedding and for everyone to share in the joy that is CHLOE. It’s just the logistics that are freaking me out!
Okay, so as if I haven’t said enough already… my other big stressor is the old cheery job-search. I don’t know WHAT to do with myself. I’ve worked in Early Childhood and Early Intervention for 20+ years now and that’s where my passion lies, but I don’t know what to do now that it’s time for me to return to work. I haven’t “worked for someone else” in over 10 years. I’ve opened and run 3 different businesses and loved doing it. My last two I ran out of the home and would so love to do again, but we moved and our new location is not conducive to running a school out of. And I’m pretty sure it’s too expensive to do it out of the home. Too many expenses. And honestly, as much as I want something outside of Chloe and my other two kids, it’s hard to take that step away. I know, I shouldn’t think of it as taking a step AWAY, but that’s how it feels. I think this fall is a good time because Chloe will be starting preschool, but then I worry it won’t be a good time, because she’ll “just” be starting. I’m hoping if I put my feelers out there that things might just fall into place. I really love running toddler programs that are fully inclusive. But my big dream is to have a fully inclusive family play center with drop-in play as well as high quality babysitting and toddler / preschool programs. Someday hopefully I’ll find my way back to my dream. Too bad it always takes money. . .
Phew. I think that’s enough delving into my psyche for one day. I’ll end this post saying how thankful I am that we’re all healthy and for the most part doing well. Despite the stress that comes along with raising a child with special needs (traveling with and the financial strain caused as a result) life couldn’t be any more beautiful. Of course we feel as though we could “do without” these challenges, but lessons will be learned, new joys will show themselves and we WILL prevail in the end. Thanks for bearing with me in this long picture-less post. I promise to share some photos soon (by the way, I might be getting a new camera for my birthday so if anyone has any advice for a new camera let me know).